fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
