No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
