I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize