I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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