I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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