We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
