Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
