omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
