don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
