2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
