Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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