I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize