Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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