I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
