Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
