He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
