____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We had sex on a dog bed..
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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