I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
