Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
50% drunk capacity currently
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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