We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
