areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
