When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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