im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
