I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
