my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
