Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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