dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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