Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
