Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
