I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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