I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
