I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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