just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
