He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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