He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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