They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
