I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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