and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
