Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
