some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
