My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize