I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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