finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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