i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
