I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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