I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
