Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
