Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
