I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
