sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize