its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize