Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
