those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize