i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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