just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
