filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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