just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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