we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
