life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She needs sedatives and a leash
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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