He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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